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| Growing Up Twinless |
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Hi, I wanted to take the opportunity to share my story of
what it's like to grow up twinless. The few accounts
I've read of before echo thoughts and feelings I have
had and have helped me to replace some of the
confusion with understanding. I hope that my sharing
is able to help someone in some small way such as I've been helped.
My story begins around my sixteenth birthday when, for
some unknown reason, I seemed to have hit a crisis
point. I think it was the thoughts of suicide that
really brought me to a point that things were as bad
as they seemed. All I knew was what I told my mother
on those many evenings when I would seek her out in
the hopes that she might help me out of my pain. She
would usually be ironing or doing some other household
chore when I would enter the room and make my presence
known. That's about all I seemed able to achieve
because when I tried to say something, the words
wouldn't come out. There were a couple of times
though when in between the tears, I'd say "Mom, I
don't think I was made for this world." I hadn't
found out yet that I had been one of twins and that my
brother had died while still inutero. I could feel that I was creating an awkward situation
for my mother. She told me later that she felt deeply for me, but just didn't know of anything to say or do to make me better. Often, I would become angry with her.
For years, when I seemed to reach bottom, I would seek
her out or someone else I thought that might be able
to help me. I saw ministers, counselors and even
tried to talk to a few friends, but I often walked
away feeling more frustrated than anything. I did
have this Sunday School teacher named Carol, who
incidentally was a twin, whom I really bonded with.
My own mother oftentimes became jealous and said many
painful things that would keep me home in my room,
alone, rather than with Carol. Though, as with the
others, I couldn't talk to Carol, I did feel something
akin to a soothing effect around here.
The series of events that led up to me learning about
my twinship began when a friend of mine suggested that
I go to see this lady who was a psychic.
Having come from a very religious home, I at first
felt like this wasn't an option for me, but I was
desperate for someone to help me and so any hesitation
I had soon melted away. I took my friend's offer up
and copied the lady's phone number down. From a pay
phone, I called her up to schedule a sitting and she
gave me the day, time and place. I hung up, not
placing very much hope in what I might encounter, but
then a little hope was better than none.
I showed up at designated place and time and have to
say that my first impression of things wasn't a very
good one. I could've just left, but I thought 'I have
nothing to lose' so I stayed. And just in case she
might actually be psychic, I told her on our way back
to her kitchen that I didn't want to know anything
about my future.
After I sat down opposite her at the kitchen table,
she took out a set of regular playing cards with alot
of marks on them. I didn't know what the marks meant,
but wondered for a minute where I could get a set :)
She had me separate them and then she shuffled them
and laid them out into groups. She asked if I was
going to become a minister, to which I replied "My
parents would like me to." She moved on to describe
my parents and did a pretty good job, but still, I
felt that she could have gathered all this from my
demeanor and what had transpired from the moment I
walked through the door.
Then...
She told me that I had died near the beginning of my
life. I was shocked! How could she know this? I
knew that 8 hours after I was born my lungs collapsed
and I had a near death experience that lasted 4 1/2
minutes. I confirmed her claim and listened on. She
then stated that my mother was in labor for almost two
weeks after I was born. I never heard of this and so
I couldn't confirm or deny it so she asked that I
check with my mother and get back to her. Next, she
asked if I had a twin. Again, I told her that my
mother never said anything about a twin and again, she
asked me to check with my mother and get back to her.
She said that she was going to continue despite my
uncertainty. What follows was her telling me that I
did have a twin and that originally, I had been the
one that had died and he the one that lived to be born
and then undergo that near death experience I
mentioned earlier. She told me that we were both
there when the doctor was resuscitating him and that
he had let me come into the body. Everything she
said seemed to turn my world topsy turvy, but yet it
was a world [which] resonated with me.
That night, I had dream. I was lying in my bed and
feeling so alone as I usually did when I felt this
brush against my arm. I didn't need to look over
because I could feel him. The only way to describe
the experience was of everything that moved in me, all
my feelings of lonliness and confusion, came to rest.
This image came to my mind of this necklace with two
pieces that had been broken into shards had come back
together.
I rolled over and used my arm to raise my head as I
looked at him. I asked "Who are you?" He replied
"You know who I am." I laughed. "yeah, I know who
you are." I said. I asked "How long have you been
here?" He said "I've always been here." I responded
"Yes, I think I knew that." Just then I yawned and he
said "you're tired. you should get some sleep." I
said "oh no, if I close my eyes, you'll go away." He
said "No, I'll always be here." I did end up falling
asleep by his side and then while still dreaming, time
had passed so that it had become morning. My mother
came into to wake me up, but in the course of the
night I had fallen off of the bed leaving him to be
the one she woke up. When I had heard her come in, I
had stayed low so she couldn't see me. After she
left, we laughed that she had confused him for me and
then the scene changed again and it was getting dark
suddenly. I found myself out on our front porch
looking down at my watch. The dream scene began to
fade and I heard his voice saying "I'll be back."
While I was afraid during the first day to ask my
mother about the things the psychic lady wanted me to,
after the dream, I just had to know the truth and so,
during a car ride to my grandmother's house, I asked
her.
I began with the question "Mom, were you in labor
after I was born?" She jerked the staring wheel
sending us off onto the birm as she turned to look at
me in the back seat. "Who told you?" she asked me.
I said "This lady." She said "Yes, I was in labor,
for almost 2 1/2 weeks." "After you were born, the
doctor had left the afterbirth in me," I spoke over
what she had said next as I then asked "Did I have a
twin?"
She answered in the affirmative telling me that after
being rushed to the emergency room because she
couldn't walk anymore, the doctors had removed the
afterbirth and later reported to her that there had
been a second baby, fully formed, but [whom] had stopped
growing." She told me that she never told anyone, not
even my father about my twin. I came clean then about
having visited this psychic lady who told me this and
rather than getting chastized, was meant with a
response that was more like awe and wonder about who
this lady was.
Over the next 18 years (I'm now 34) I would have my
mother repeat the story of my and my brother's birth
because it all still feels so unreal. Yet, I can feel
its truth in my heart and over the years have come to
make sense of much of my feelings and thoughts that
seemed alien to me before. For instance, since I
first encountered a black rose and its significance
(age 11), I had alway requested one for my birthday.
It was just one more thing that confirmed my
grandmother's statement that I was a strange child. I
also had/have the habit of buying two pairs of shoes,
two shirts, all two of the same. Even knowing what I
know today still isn't enough to squelch it. There's
also my odd habit of oftentimes referring to "we"
rather than to me. I don't really seem to be aware of
this until it is brought to my attention by others.
When I was around 12 years old, I remember reading
this book called "Sybil" about a woman with multiple
personalities and I would then go around telling
people I had multiple personalities. Actually, I
didn't bear any of the symptoms of the disorder, but
there was this one thing that Sybil reported and that
was that she felt double. It was the only way I knew
then to express how I felt. Of course, this too would
startle my parents and relatives who just thought I
was overly imaginative and had odd interests.
Fast forward to when I turned 32. Since finding out at
16 years old that I had a twin brother, I found some
measure of peace and understanding say for instance,
of why I was always seeking out some other guy to bond
with (an attempt to find a surrogate) or spending my
last dime to buy a second pair of something that I
didn't need a second pair of. It was at 32 though,
that alot of unrest came back to me. I could see that
over the previous 10 years I had been struggling with
issues of identity and career. And then there was
this feeling, a pulling that was always present and
would intensify whenever I wasn't doing anything. So
I would keep busy, but I could still feel it there
dimly in the background. I knew what it was and it
brought up all these thoughts and feelings. On one
hand, I would ask myself if my twin were here, would
he approve of me and what I did? What would it be
like if he were here now or if he had been here
instead of me? On the other hand, I wanted to deny
him. How could someone I never knew have so much of
an impact on me? I get angry and I don't understand
this. Yet I still have my mother recount the words
she spoke so many times before "the doctor said there
had been a twin but.."
Last year, after a particularly difficult weekend, my
mother had returned from a trip so excited to see me
because of something she had wanted to share. She had
been unaware of my depression the night before, of
wondering what life would have been like if he had
survived. She told me that in a dream she had the
night before, that she and my father were returning
from the casino when she was entering into the
restaurant at the hotel when she was told that a table
was being held for her. As she walked over to where
it was at, she saw this guy from behind and when she
got nearer he turned. She gasped she said because
here was this guy who looked exactly like me, yet she
knew that I was not there because I had to work. She
asked him "who are you?" and he smiled (she said she
has my smile). He said his name was Nathaniel. She
told him to wait right there while she went to get me,
but as she walked away she woke up. Upon hearing
this, I got this strong sense, as if he is somewhere
living his life and though we are apart, we are each
living out our lives to their completion until the day
we won't be separated again ever.
Today, I live day by day. With the help of Twinless
Twins and opportunities to share my story I find some
quieting of the pulling within me. It's a compulsion
I have to share with others, my twinship, not letting
people miss this very important part of who I am
despite the fact they might not be able to see
otherwise. Sometimes, I feel as if I am leading two
separate lives. Currently, I work as a dorm parent at
a boarding school, but during the summers, spend an
inordinate amount of time in Quebec volunteering.
There is the "French" me and then there is the
"English" me. Though it can be exhausting at times,
it feels natural and right. Yet there is still
something that doesn't seem quite right. When I come
to think of a wife and children, which I feel my life
incomplete without with, I can't imagine any other
person in my life meaning as much to me as my twin.
Because of this, I seem to be frozen in the feelings I
come to have for others.
What the future [will] hold for me, I'm not sure. But
despite my many struggles, including my struggle to
believe in an afterworld and an existence beyond
physical death. I hold onto the last words I heard in
that dream before I awoke. "I'll be back."
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