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I Am Pregnant With Twins. One Is Alive, One Is Not!
Reader's Questions and Answers: |
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NOTE: Answers provided are of a general nature only and in no way reflect any medical opinion, diagnosis or reflect your personal situation. If you are in any doubt regarding your child's medical condition, please consult your physician, peaditrician or healthcare specialist immediately.
Feedback:
My sister was expected to have triplets and unfortunately lost one of them this week - the only girl. She still has four months until she is full term but will probably not carry that long. She has been doing emotionally well for a few days but is now starting to feel the pain of losing the girl - especially after seeing pictures. I was wondering what to do for her and the girl fetus when the other two are born. Will there be enough recognizable tissue to have disposed of - a cremation or funeral? I want her to be able to recognize the little girl and be able to grieve appropriately. I would appreciate your help.
From Lynda:
Hello, I am so sorry to hear of your sister's loss. There are a few painful factors at work here: 1) the loss of a baby; 2) the loss of the only girl; 3) worry over the health of the survivors for the duration of the pregnancy; 4) the loss of a special triplet relationship between the babies themselves.
While the situation cannot be changed, there are a couple of ways to honour her daughter and how important she is, and continues to be, within the family. How much tissue that is left will be affected by how long the pregnancy continues. 3 more weeks vs 6 more weeks vs 8 more weeks and so on. Some parents, regardless, want to see their baby and some do not. There is no right or wrong decision here. It has to be what works. Preparing a birth plan will help the parents in making the decision. At delivery and in consultation with the staff, it can be decided whether or not to view the baby, take photos (alone, just a hand, just a foot, with the others, as a family), hand and foot prints may be able to be taken. These can be framed in a shadow box with a plaque stating the name (and death or delivery date?) of the baby - this could be a wonderful keepsake gift that you could arrange for your sister and her husband. The hospital staff, and possibly funeral staff, will be able to help decide if there should be a funeral and in what form.
Encourage your sister to name her daughter, be a shoulder for her (and you) to cry on, listen, listen, listen. Know that at delivery, grief (and some time afterwards - grief is a journey and not a destination) will rise its head again as the family contemplates what should have been. Have no judgements, use the baby's name, listen. Ask Dad how he is too. Often the father is somewhat ignored in these situations.
You can make a donation either one time or annually, to a children's charity, or an age-appropriate book to a library or school library each year in your niece's name.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please write me again, if you need to.
All the best.
Feedback:
My daughter just found out she was pregnant with twins but one died at about 9 weeks. What is done now in reguards to the dead fetus and what are the chances that the remaining one will be normal? Are there any test[s] that can be done to find out if there will be any abnotmalities? My daughter is 22 and in the army and worries about the army doctors because they haven't told her anything that may happen with the other baby. Thank you, Carolyn
From Lynda:
Hi Carolyn,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandchild. It is so unfair that things can happen this way and not always comprehensible.
What I think has happened to your daughter is Vanishing Twin [VT] (see the article on my Site). When a multiple (can also happen with triplets and higher) is lost before 12 weeks, it is commonly known as VT. What appears to happen is that the fetus does not properly imbed into the uterine wall to receive its fair share of maternal nutrition so that it can survive. The downside of early ultrasounds is that we know very early we are pregnant and with how many and then by about 12 weeks, our world is turned upside down!
Unfortunately VT is all too common and usually there is no danger or risk to the surviving fetus. The pregnancy continues to a healthy birth. The dead fetus is reabsorbed by the mother's body and at birth there may be nothing left other than a "thickening" in the placenta. There should be no anomalies to the surviving baby either. The article on my Site explains things in greater detail. There are also some memorial ideas, should you wish to remember the other fetus - some parents like to and some don't. There is no right or wrong way to handle this and don't be talked out of anything that you wish to do. Your daughter conceived twins and Mother Nature has stepped in to change the situation. She, her husband and yourself can grieve, if you need to.
I hope this is helpful. I am so sorry for your loss.
Feedback:
How common is it to have a twin die at 20 weeks? I have just found out that one of my babies is dead. I had assumed that this would've happened earlier in the pregnancy rather than now. Also, do you know what I can expect for the rest of my pregnancy, assuming that the other baby continues to progress?
From Lynda:
Hello, I am so sorry to hear of your news and the loss of your baby. At this late stage of your pregnancy, it is not likely that you have suffered Vanishing Twin as this type of loss occurs by the 12th week.
Depending upon when you give birth (i.e. say 30 weeks or 36 weeks), the pathologist may or may not be able to tell you why one of your babies died as the Mom's body begins to reabsorb the fetus once it dies. The longer you remain pregnant, the harder it is to tell what happened. You can ask to have the placenta looked at and assessed for a reason but you need to know that they may not be able to give you an answer. Sometimes Mother Nature steps in and makes a decision, the reason for which is not always identifiable.
Please look at my Site at the article One is Alive and One is Not. It has some information that may assist you and answer some questions for you. It will take some getting used that you are not now going to have two healthy babies and both you and your husband will need to try to get your mind around this news which has turned you upside down.
There is no reason at all why your pregnancy can't continue to a healthy birth. You will be watched more closely now until birth and your unborn baby closely monitored in order to make sure that all is progressing well.
If you need to, name your baby - you can pick a generic name such as Taylor, Skye, River, for example should the pathologist not be able to let you know the sex of the baby. If you need to mourn, do so and don't let anyone talk you out of it, try to change the subject or make you feel guilty. You have lost a baby and babies aren't interchangeable, so if you need to take time for yourselves, be sure to do so.
I am truly sorry for your loss. Please feel free to write me again, if you feel the need.
Feedback:
My daughter has just been informed that one of her babies has died. She will remain on the hospital until she gives birth to the other twin. We are lost. Please send advice.
From Lynda:
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandchild. It is especially difficult for grandparents because not only do they lose a grandchild, they often feel that they have not properly protected their own child from this pain of loss. On my Site, I have a bereavement article for Grieving Grandparents. Please have a look at it and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to write me again.
It sounds as if your daughter is being very well looked after medically and there is no reason at all that she cannot carry the surviving child to a healthy birth. You didn't mention how far along she was, but she will probably deliver at least a little earlier than expected. In consultation with her doctor and hospital staff, a decision can be made whether or not to see the little one, take photos of the babies, together and separate and to hold him/her. If you wish, suggest naming the baby and having a memorial service. You could make a donation to a children's institution or of a book to a children's library in your grandchild's name. Your daughter will need your understanding, shoulder and comfort as both she and her partner struggle to come to terms with their loss and the happiness of also having a living, baby. It is very complicated with these two extreme human emotions.
Please feel free to write me again, if you need. I enclose comfort and very best wishes.
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