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Unwanted Advice on Raising Multiples
Reader's Questions and Answers: |
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NOTE: Answers provided are of a general nature only and in no way reflect a medical opinion or diagnosis. If you are in doubt about any aspect of your pregnancy, please consult your physician immediately.
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January, 2006
The most disturbing question to me has been, "Which one is the better one?"
From Lynda:
Oooooh yes! This individual really has their head in the sand!
I can think of a couple of responses:
"What on earth are you thinking by asking such a question?" "Why are you assuming one is 'bad'?"
"I'm not even going to bother responding to such a silly question."
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December, 2005
I loved your opinions on peoples rude regards on parents of multiples! :-) I am a parent of 6 month old twin boys and a 16 month old boy and hear rude remarks constantly. Its good to know I am not the only one who feels blessed with my beautiful babies.
From Lynda:
Yup, unfortunately so many people think they are being funny. I think it is important to try to 'retrain' them. Congratulations on your lovely family. You must have a wonderful, noisy, fun-filled household.
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October, 2005
I am having issues because everywhere I turn, even at church, there are people who are wanting to force me to separate my children. They are very independant but genuinely like each other and seem to be more comfortable when in the same group. They are almost 9 years old. Please give me some advice in this area. I don't claim to be an expert on raising my triplets but am surrounded by people that are. Thanks for your article.
From Lynda:
You've asked a very difficult question. There are no easy answers. I think our jobs as parents are to raise, healthy, happy individual children. Having said that, parents with multiples also need to respect the multiples' bond. Nothing about that is easy but it is the parents' job to make sure that each of our children is happy and independent. How this happens will take many forms. You don't mention if they are boy/girl combination or all the same sex but just from how you are wording your questions, I am assuming same sex. If they were a mix, there would be natural separation that occurs as each child develops.
Here are some questions you might consider (one is really tough):
Have you asked them what they want?
Do you encourage individual interests?
Do you encourage individual friends?
Do you encourage them to dress differently?
Do you call them 'The Triplets?' To do so, presents a package and that is how they will be publicly perceived. Using their individual names, helps them learn that they are unique and individual. Don't let others call them 'the triplets' either. Gently correct them each and every time.
Do you offer chances for them to be alone with you? Angie, let's go to a movie tonight and your siblings can stay home with Dad. This is great because of one on one time together, a chance to learn what each child is thinking and feeling, Dad and the others have a change in dynamics, and who knows whatever may develop as you all explore a different presentation. Take the calendar and mark 'a date' with each of your kids as well as family time together.
Are you keeping them together because you (and/or your husband) like the attention? This is so tough and you are not bad parents if the answer is yes. What you need to do now, if the answer is yes, is stop doing things for the attention it brings you and help them be individuals, because now you know better and things need to proceed in a manner that is best for the children. But please, if the answer is yes, even in your heart of hearts, don't beat yourself up. Learn and go forward.
In my opinion and after 22 years working in the field, I believe it is a huge mistake not to help our multiples be separate. It doesn't have to be long, or continuous, but there needs to be ample opportunity for them to shine individually and spread their own wings at their own rates. Go shopping only with one or two, groceries, clothing. Once a year I would take each of my girls (twins plus and singleton) individually out for lunch instead of having their lunch at school. For many years it was a wonderful time just one on one, although eventually the friends won out when they were in their teens, but we shared, cared and laughed.
I would also discourage advice from others, because I am getting from your note that it is upsetting you - and I can certainly understand that. We thought we would just raise our children and it is a shock to come to realize how much the world wants in on the action. Pick something generic to say, look them in the eyes and say, "Thanks for your caring words but my husband and I have things under control." Cut them off at the pass. Don't explain, rationalize or justify.
Bottom line, you know your kids best. Take stock of what is going on and decide from there. Please write me again if you wish.
Enclosing best wishes to all of you,
Lynda
Feedback:
September, 2005
Good article - I am pregnant with 2 and have had more people that had 1 tell me how to handle 2 infants - breastfeed - it's cheaper, hire a nanny, "just" put them on a schedule, you're crazy if you don't demand a c-section...it never ends! I'm a grown woman that can make choices that are right for me!
From Lynda:
Yup. Folks think they are helping when in fact, these types of responses can be very demoralizing. Don't be shy, stand up for yourself and ask for positive feedback ONLY!
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September, 2005
Good article - I am pregnant with 2 and have had more people that had 1 tell me how to handle 2 infants - breastfeed - it's cheaper, hire a nanny, "just" put them on a schedule, you're crazy if you don't demand a c-section...it never ends! I'm a grown woman that can make choices that are right for me!
From Lynda:
Yup. Folks think they are helping when in fact, these types of responses can be very demoralizing. Don't be shy, stand up for yourself and ask for positive feedback ONLY!
Feedback:
I thoroughly enjoyed the response: "You have your hands full." I feel it is better to respond with humor, that helps the situation - "Yes and I love every minute of it" - Just saying that can change how you really feel at that moment. Busy Mother of 5 1/2 yr old twins boys plus 6 1/2 yr old brother with special needs, Christine
From Lynda:
Hi Christine,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If I couldn't laugh, I'd really be up the creek without a paddle. Humour takes the sting out of many negative feelings and, exactly as you have mentioned, can quickly turn the situation around for everyone.
Feedback:
Usually when someone says to me BOY YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL (after already losing a set of twins to TTTS) I quickly respond to them, WELL I'D RATHER HAVE MY HANDS FULL THAN EMPTY!!!
From Lynda:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It's something that one can never expect nor prepare for. People don't always consider the impact of their remarks, assuming they know your history, or having no knowledge of the inadvertent pain they can cause when they aren't aware of your situation.
I think your response is wise, considerate and right on the mark.
All the very best.
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