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Grieving Grandparents
Reader's Questions and Answers: |
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NOTE: Answers provided are of a general nature only and in no way reflect a medical opinion or diagnosis. If you are in doubt about any aspect of your pregnancy, please consult your physician immediately.
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Feedback:
May, 2007
Good article for those who have lost a baby grandchild, my grandson was 15 a real person with personality..thanks for some pointers..Donna S.
From Lynda:
Hi Donna, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious grandson. What a tragedy. May your memories be a blessing.
Feedback:
August, 2005
Thankyou for recognising the situation of grandparents in this article. I cannot begin to tell you how painful it was to watch my son and his wife as they said goodbye to their tiny daughter when she was removed from life-support. The only comfort we could offer was to be there, sharing in their grief.
From Anon.
From Lynda:
There is nothing easy about having a child die. Everything about it is out of step and it is difficult to realize that you cannot protect your own child from everything. It is wonderful that you were each there for each other at this time of greatest need.
Feedback:
July, 2005
Dear Lynda, Thank you for allowing us a much needed outlet for our sometimes overwhelming grief. On Feb. 2nd of this year, our beautiful fifteen year old grandson Anthony was struck by a car while riding his bicycle near his home. After six days on life support with no brain activity and no blood flow at all to his brain, my daughter and her husband had to make the heartbreaking decision to disconnect Anthony's respirator. Anthony is now back in God's care. He is survived by his twin brother who is only now starting to talk about his feelings. Having literally helped bring these children into the world, his Nana is devastated, as am I for our daughter and her family. The outpouring of support from Anthony's friends, family and community has been truely inspiring. I know our healing has begun. Sincerely, Edward J. Smith
From Lynda:
Dear Edward,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious grandson. As the grandparents, you have the added burden of your own child's grief and not being able to 'make it better' for her, her husband and your grandson's twin. This is a tremendous additional burden for grandparents who lose a grandchild.
Anthony's brother will continue to need your guidance, support and understanding as he travels through his life and fully realizes that his womb-mate is gone forever. Letting him know you are there to talk, or not to talk, to cry, to share, to speak about him and about how he will continue (you didn't mention your surviving grandson's name) to live a 'normal' life, will be invaluable. Your grandson will be needing (learning) a new 'normal' Everything is changed now, forever and the world's innocence has been lost.
Finding a way to grieve productively, recognizing and giving in to the grief, honouring Anthony's memory will be an ongoing challenge for each of you. Different things will be needed at different times: perhaps reading, grief counselling one on one and/or in a group setting, learning about grief, its many layers and how to honour Anthony's memory, annually, privately, or together as a family. Their birthday will be such a sorrowful day. There is no wrong way to do any of this. It will be what you need at the moment.
I am always here if you would like to write again. Please check out the section on my Site for surviving co-multiples. Sometimes knowing ahead of time what your grandson may be experiencing can be helpful in providing support for him. There is also a small but effective reading list for survivors. If he would ever like to write about his brother, I would be pleased to post it.
May you all find peace and comfort in your memories.
Sincerely
Lynda
Article:
Answers: Grieving Grandparents
Feedback:
June, 2005
my 5th grandson died on Feb. 5th 2005. He was 35 days old. He was well celebrated as he was the New Year's baby in our town--he died of meningitis. My son and his wife, my daughter and I watched him die--it was horrible. It was almost one year to the date that my mother died. It feels like a double loss for me as I didnt greive my mom until the baby died. I think I'm doing ok my friend says 'no'. I don't know what else to say.
From Lynda:
I am so sorry to hear of your losses. While we can eventually expect to lose our parents, that doesn't make it any easier to bear but it is the right order. The loss of child is so out of whack! Nothing about that is fair.
One thing about grief, it will not be denied. I encourage you to take the time to cry, to feel your pain and work it through, either by yourself or with someone you trust and love. When we try to rationalize grief, ignore it or shove it under the rug, it isn't gone, it is only hiding and waiting at an opportune moment to "choke" us again. Sometimes it feels as if it is killing us but I can promise you it won't, it simply feels like it will. And that is scary.
Be gentle with yourself. You have earned this grief but talking about it with someone safe, perhaps some grief counselling, keeping a journal, making a donation in their names and anything else you feel will help you and celebrate them at the same time is essential.
May you find a safe place to fall in this time of sorrow. Write to me again, if you feel you would like.
Hugs,
Lynda
Feedback:
Thank you for this article. I thought no one understood that feeling of powerlessness. I feel so lost. I just lost my only grandson, he was two weeks old. His birth gave me such happiness. My dreams for him are shattered. Tomorrow will be very hard for me, but my concern is for my son. I know that the reality will hit home and I don't know what to do for him accept to be there. Thank you again.
From Lynda:
Hello, please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious grandson. I am sure you are a very proud grandmother, cherishing your grandson, son and his wife. Yes, the death of a child shatters our dreams, hope and our future. It's unfair that a baby should have to pay such a price when each is innocent.
Your son and is wife, will need your support, shoulder, strength and understanding, perhaps at odd hours. They will also need time together, alone, to grieve their son. It may be difficult to recognize when to allow them to be together, even though your own heart is also breaking. You will no doubt cry together, hold each other, talk about him (I encourage you all to do so, when you feel it is appropriate) and honour his short life. I believe that these lost little ones, gently walk on our hearts, leaving tiny footprints, making us kinder, gentler people. More compassionate and less likely to misunderstand someone else's pain. This Gift (I think of it as such) of theirs makes their short lives meaningful and encourages us to reach out to others in difficulty.
As the grandparent, you walk two roads simultaneously. Your own grief road plus that of your son's, whom you were unable to protect against this pain. Please be gentle with yourself. Just as we remember the births of our children, we also remember a death of a child. Time helps, but it doesn't erase everything.
Please find enclose best wishes for peace, comfort and lots of hugs. Write me any time you wish.
Feedback:
I, too, lost my preicous grandson. Your article touched me, but my Jaired was just [taken] 6 days short of his fourth B.Day I just can't seem to find anyone that I can relate with. You see I wasn't just that little boy's grandma, I was his second mom, dad, and grandpa. He was my life. I lost a part of my daughter with him .I feel so different than so many other grandparents. I just need someone to talk to, or some info on where to search.
SAD SINGLE GRANDMA
From Lynda:
Hello, please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your cherished grandson, Jaired. It is incomprehensible how such a thing can happen. Little children are not supposed to die. It's just so unfair!
I am a believer that little ones who leave us so soon, teach us even in their short time with us. They teach us to be kind, to reach out to others who are hurting, to understand that while the world can be a wonderous place, it can also deal cruelly with us. I am hoping that you may consider taking Jaired's memory and honouring him and his short life. Donate an age-appropriate children's book to a school or library on each of his birthdays over the years; volunteer to read to young children, once again either in school or at the library - in elementary schools there are often children with poor reading skills. You could call a school and offer one-on-one reading with a child helping him or her learn to read or to improve their skills; consider calling a bereavement support group in your area and asking for either one-on-one or group counselling for grandparents. If there isn't one in your area, ask your doctor to recommend a support group. There is a saying I find very helpful,
"When we share our joy, we double it;
When we share our sorrow, we halve it."
Unfortunately, I don't know who the author is. Please don't neglect yourself. This is a time to reach out and ask for help, support and a shoulder. It doesn't take long for Little Ones to make indelible marks on our hearts and in order to ensure that their lives are not wasted, it will be up to us to each decide how we shall honour them and their memories.
If I may also add, if you have other grandchildren, please don't forget to keep in contact with them too. They too need your love, your input and loving and safe arms. In their own way, they too, will help you in your time of need.
Please write to me again if you feel the need.
Enclosing peace and comfort.
Lynda
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