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Do We Still Have Multiples?
Reader's Questions and Answers: |
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NOTE: Answers provided are of a general nature only and in no way reflect a medical opinion or diagnosis. If you are in doubt about any aspect of your pregnancy, please consult your physician immediately.
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Feedback:
February, 2010
Thank you for this article. My son is a twin. His sister Berneice is heaven. I feel as though people just don't understand that I don't mind talking about her and though she didn't make it through delivery she was so special. I feel like I already knew what my children personalities would be like. I appreciate the time that I had with her. She is such important part of our family. My mom still finds it really hard to talk about her with me and I could always talk to her about everything.
From Lynda:
Hello, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter. Berneice has a gem of Mom who remembers and cherishes her memory. It isn't unusual for family and friends to feel if they avoid the topic of a deceased child they are sparing the parents pain but so often the opposite is true. Parents like to hear their child's name and to know that others remember. If I can offer you another thought vis-a-vis your mother. It would be my suspicion that while she may feel a lot of grief about the loss of her granddaughter, she will also probably feel reluctant to bring her up with you because as Berneice is your child with your special feelings about her, you are her child and your Mom has special, protective feelings about you. That is the way of the world, i.e. to try to protect your child. Your Mom may also feel guilty that she was unable to spare you this pain. What might help is a heart-to-heart talk with her, explaining your feelings. If it doesn't work between yourselves, perhaps with a professional grief counsellor? It might help each of you feel less lonely. May your memories of Berneice be a blessing. Hugs, Lynda
Feedback:
October, 2007
Had triplets, lost one. What do you say when people ask you if they are twins when they really triplets?
From Lynda:
I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I would consider whom is asking. If it is a stranger in the mall admiring your "twins," I might just say "thank you" and keep on walking. You aren't required to tell everyone every detail of your life. You could ask yourself, would you tell that stranger the details of your breast cancer if you had it? Plus constantly hearing about their deceased sibling could, over time, possibly amount to an issue for your survivors. You would need to assess any possible negative effect. There are a lot of things kids can feel and kids are notorious for blaming themselves for what is going on around them - we are alive but we don't make Mommy and Daddy happy; s/he is worth more dead than we (I) are alive; if I am good, Mommy and Daddy will be happy - and so on. If it is a good friend or family members, you could tell them what you need - 'please don't call them twins. Use their names, or "babies" "kids" as it is too painful for me.' If someone is becoming a good friend you might choose an appropriate time to tell them your history. It is isn't unusual for feelings to be very raw for the first months or perhaps years, but over time, the edges of the pain are a little softer and it is easier to recognize when to say something and when not to.
Be gentle with yourself. Losing is a child is extremely painful and you have been through a lot. Do write me again if you feel the need.
Feedback:
October, 2006
Thank you! After giving birth to our quadruplets at 26 wees/0 days, our son died after 19 days. We have a very supportive family, but I continue to struggle. It is getting worse now that we are going out more with the babies and are getting the comments - wow you have triplets!! Sometimes I give more details and sometimes I just say yes...but I feel guilty that I don't let them know about Nicholas. It's nice to read that no matter what I say...it's the right way.
From Lynda:
Hi, you didn't leave a return EM address but I hope you get to read this. I am SO sorry to hear of your loss of Nicholas. That has to be heart breaking and I have no doubt you feel as if you are abandoning him when you agree you have triplets. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Your heart knows and is breaking about Nicholas. You aren't denying him, you acknowledge him within you and that is good. You are still his Mom, regardless. May your path be gentle and your challenges manageable.
Feedback:
May, 2006
Re: the co-worker who sent a "Congratulations on the Birth of Your Daughter" card. I would find it very difficult to send a card congratulating the mother on the birth of twins if one had died. A better solution might be a hand-written note expressing congratulations as well as condolences for the deceased child. But most people have difficulty dealing with death and this co-worker was probably well-meaning by emphasising the living twin.
From Lynda:
I agree. Unfortunately we, as a society, have become so diassociated with death and in fact 'fear' it that we construct many different notions in our head. While we might mean well, we can inadvertently really hurt others with our mis-aimed attitudes. A card for the birth of a baby denies that there was a second (or third or fourth) and this can wound the parents as their deceased child(ren) is ignored. Your idea of a hand-written note is excellent, or even TWO cards, one for a birth and one sympathy would have been wiser and certainly less painful for the parents.
Feedback:
April, 2006
I found out I was pregnant in June of 1999 and was sent for an ultrasound to determine the due date because of the baby's size. It was discovered that I was having identical twins. I was ecstatic. At 20 weeks, I went in for a routine ultrasound. The tech scanned my stomach and left the room. The doctor came back in with her, scanned my stomach and said, "Oops. Only one baby - disappearing twins. We see it all the time" and left. I was devastated. This did not happen to me all the time. My son Taylor was born healthy in Jan of 2000. I still feel angry and a sense of loss that Tanner isn't here. No one even acknowledges that he even existed. It seems silly to be mourning so intensely for a baby that I never saw, held or knew especially when I have five other child who are happy and healthy. People will look at me and say "Five kids and No twins?" I want to scream "YES! But Tanner is an angel!" I haven't been able to find a way to tell Taylor about Tanner. I have nothing of him, no pictures, clothes, ultrasounds. My family thought it would be best if I "forgot" and removed every reminder. Is it ok to still think of Taylor as a twin? No one even mentions twins to me.
From Lynda:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I can certainly 'feel' your pain. Making it more difficult is not having safe place to talk about Tanner, without fear of reprisals. I believe that we have what we conceived and seeing as you conceived twins, you remain a mother of twins, one here on earth and one in heaven, and Taylor remains a twin. That's the truth and the truth will not be 'forgot.' What would it feel like for you to think about appropriate responses to people, such as "Six kids and one little one didn't make it," or "Very sadly we did lose one of our twins?" You don't have to run into lengthy discussions but can just leave it there - depending upon how you felt at the moment. Sometimes we owe strangers nothing but might feel more differently for friends and family. You might say to them: "There is no denying that Taylor was a twin and while you may not feel the same way I do, I carried two babies for many weeks. It is painful for me." Straight, simple - when in doubt, always keep things simple. You might also say, if appropriate, "children are not interchangeable and I would love to have all that I was promised. I love the ones I have here on earth but there is a gap." It is OK to say what you need from others. Respect, understanding, empathy. You may consider trying a grief group to find a safe place to talk about your feelings and Tanner. That would OK too. I think people don't talk twins to you because they feel they are protecting you. They begin from a loving place but inadvertently, they are hurting you.
If and when you feel like it, you know Taylor best, let him know his origins. It may be helpful but do be prepared for lots of questions. I have an article on my Site Talking to Your Children About Death. It may be of some help.
Enclosing very best wishes, peace and comfort.
Lynda
Feedback:
April, 2006
I found out I was pregnant in June of 1999 and was sent for an ultrasound to determine the due date because of the baby's size. It was discovered that I was having identical twins. I was ecstatic. At 20 weeks, I went in for a routine ultrasound. The tech scanned my stomach and left the room. The doctor came back in with her, scanned my stomach and said, "Oops. Only one baby - disappearing twins. We see it all the time" and left. I was devastated. This did not happen to me all the time. My son Taylor was born healthy in Jan of 2000. I still feel angry and a sense of loss that Tanner isn't here. No one even acknowledges that he even existed. It seems silly to be mourning so intensely for a baby that I never saw, held or knew especially when I have five other child who are happy and healthy. People will look at me and say "Five kids and No twins?" I want to scream "YES! But Tanner is an angel!" I haven't been able to find a way to tell Taylor about Tanner. I have nothing of him, no pictures, clothes, ultrasounds. My family thought it would be best if I "forgot" and removed every reminder. Is it ok to still think of Taylor as a twin? No one even mentions twins to me.
From Lynda:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I can certainly 'feel' your pain. Making it more difficult is not having safe place to talk about Tanner, without fear of reprisals. I believe that we have what we conceived and seeing as you conceived twins, you remain a mother of twins, one here on earth and one in heaven, and Taylor remains a twin. That's the truth and the truth will not be 'forgot.' What would it feel like for you to think about appropriate responses to people, such as "Six kids and one little one didn't make it," or "Very sadly we did lose one of our twins?" You don't have to run into lengthy discussions but can just leave it there - depending upon how you felt at the moment. Sometimes we owe strangers nothing but might feel more differently for friends and family. You might say to them: "There is no denying that Taylor was a twin and while you may not feel the same way I do, I carried two babies for many weeks. It is painful for me." Straight, simple - when in doubt, always keep things simple. You might also say, if appropriate, "children are not interchangeable and I would love to have all that I was promised. I love the ones I have here on earth but there is a gap." It is OK to say what you need from others. Respect, understanding, empathy. You may consider trying a grief group to find a safe place to talk about your feelings and Tanner. That would OK too. I think people don't talk twins to you because they feel they are protecting you. They begin from a loving place but inadvertently, they are hurting you.
If and when you feel like it, you know Taylor best, let him know his origins. It may be helpful but do be prepared for lots of questions. I have an article on my Site Talking to Your Children About Death. It may be of some help.
Enclosing very best wishes, peace and comfort.
Lynda
Feedback:
September, 2005
I recently had triplets, but lost 2 after 30 days fighting for life in the nicu. So now my son is my only surviving triplet. He is still in the nicu. When he comes home I wanted to send out announcements. Would it be wierd if I included his brother and sister on the announcements? Any recommendations on how I should do it? I do want to acknowledge the short life that his siblings had and he will always be my triplet.
From Lynda:
Hi again, I am responding to your second question. I can completely understand your wish to celebrate the lives of your little ones who faught so hard to stay with you. It would not be wierd at all to include his brother and sister. Here is an idea for your consideration:
Cindy and John are so pleased and delighted to announce the birth of Thomas John on ____________________, weighing _____________
Tommy joined us at home on ________________ after spending several weeks in the hospital due to his premature birth.
Tommy also has an Angel brother, Chad Mark and an Angel sister, Audrey Beth. Chad and Audrey were unable to stay on earth with us and be a family; and while we celebrate the births of three special babies, we also mourn the loss of Chad (at _____ days) and Audrey (at _______ days).
They are forever in our hearts. Our special (surviving triplet - do you want to include that? I think it would be very appropriate if you wished to) baby, Tommy, has two Angels watching over him.
The Miller Family
Please change around anything that doesn't feel comfortable for you.
Enclosing hugs, peace and comfort.
Lynda
Feedback:
Article:
August, 2005
I loved your article! I lost two of my three triplet daughters in February 2003. I find this very hard that strangers don't recognize her as a multiple because she is the only one left. I wish there were more support groups out there for us. Thanks, Danielle
From Lynda:
Hi Danielle,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your precious babies. Nothing about what you are describing is easy. May I offer you a suggestion? Don't worry what strangers think. After all, you will never see them again. It isn't their affair and, actually, none of their business. What is important is how you, your husband, family and friends feel. The latter two may offer some questions back to you as well, but it is possible to explain your feelings and hopefully they too they will see and respect your grief and recognize the truth, i.e. that your daughter remains a triplet. Her two sisters are in Heaven and she is here on Earth. It is as simple as that.
You could begin your own support group, if you felt up to it. Teaching others and holding out a hand to others who face the same, similar closed minds. See it as a teaching opportunity. Putting an ad in the paper clearly stating your goals, is one way to begin. I am also willing to put your story on my Web Site, if you would like. All of these honour your other two babies and make a space for them in your lives, as well as educate the public.
If that works for you, do let me know.
Enclosing peace and comfort.
Feedback:
I was wondering if you've looked at the affect on the surviving children, when their sibling(s) have died in utero? I saw a documentary and a surviving twin felt like he wished he had never known that he were a twin because for his entire life he grieved the sibling he never knew. This study concluded that sometimes it's best the survivor doesn't know if the miscarriage was very early in the pregnancy. Personally, I felt the man had issues he needed to deal with and for me I feel the child(ren) have [sic] the right to know.
From Lynda:
Hi, the answer is really a personal one. Early ultrasounds, e.g. as early as 6 weeks, can tell you if you are pregnant and with how many. By 12 weeks, things can completely change. Is it fair for the parents, and by extension the child or children, to have the burden for the rest of their lives knowing that they lost a baby and co-sibling? If the first ultrasound was at 12 weeks, no one would be the wiser, as we were in the past, and would not have to carry this burden of loss.
Some adults "feel" they were conceived as twins even when there is no physical proof and their Mom can't confirm it. There remains a strong feeling there were two of them and who can refute it?
Life contains a lot of pain. It does seem rather strange that one would choose to believe something that can never be proven or that an early ultrasound could easily be postponed, alleviating some pain just by postponing it. It is a personal decision though, with no easy answer.
Italian studies have shown that multiples relate in the womb. If the loss is very early in utero, survivors reportedly do quite well. It has also been reported that sometimes survivors from a stillbirth cannot "settle," cry a lot and can be difficult to calm. It is difficult, once again, to prove that this is the result of losing sibling.
Thanks for your question.
Feedback:
Thank God or somebody that there is another person that understands. Five years later I am still grieving for missing twins and loving my "singleton" to pieces. A daughter and a son are "missing" and I worry daily that my daughter misses her twins. I do. Not one other person seems to understand that they DID exist and they still do in death. Taylor is still a triplet.
From Lynda:
Hi, please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious babies. I am so sorry that they were unable to stay with you any longer. Yes, yes, yes, Taylor is still a triplet! She is as she was conceived. You have every right to mourn the loss of your babies and even though you feel joy about Taylor, this doesn't change what should have been. Children are not interchangeable and each one is precious, even when they can only stay with us for a short while. Our lives are marked, indelibly for always. The passage of time, no matter how many years, doesn't erase them for us.
On my Site I have some information about surviving co-multiples. This area of loss isn't full appreciated as yet but things are improving as survivors make their needs known. Please have a look there in case there is something that may help you or Taylor.
While people are well-meaning, don't let anyone talk you out of feeling what you are feeling: anger, sad, empty, lost, heavy or more. These feelings are honest and sometimes people think they are "helping" by trying to get you to focus elsewhere. You can gently tell them, "I lost two babies, and I feel sad about that and miss them terribly. While I appreciate your sentiment, I need to grieve their loss." Something like that, if it helps.
Please write to me again, if you feel the need. Enclosing peace, comfort and hugs.
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